March 5, 2007

If anyone would have told me that life as I knew it would have been changed by a brain injury, I would have laughed at them.  But in fact, that's exacly what has happened to me the past 9 years.

Not only has my life changed, but those around me....my mother, friend, and now my own husband.  OUCH!  Not because they don't understand, but because they too have brain injuries.  My friend passed within 10 months of hers, and my mother remains in a nursing home from a brain bleed and multiple strokes directly afterwards....my husband.....well, that remains to be seen.

After so many years of looking at things from the "other" side of the fence you begin to get hard headed.....not physically I might add....but emotionally.  Why?  Because you've been pushed around so often and hurt so many times trying to take steps forward that you become thicker skinned.

I now have a husband who is still in the recovery/denial/acceptance stages, and although I see it all and want to help, I've been forced to sit back and let him find much of this out on his own.

I can be there to talk with him (which he very rarely does even though I've never turned him away), but can't seem to make him see that "knowledge" about this injury is one of the best ways to recovery!  He continued to fight me over this so I just decided to stop trying to get him to read the information that's readily available for him, and let him find his way on his own. 

I KNOW I'm a lot stronger mentally than he is, but I refuse to let him drag me down over this, so I'll be more than happy at this time to stand on the side lines.  (Funny, I have some "normie" friends that are just like this too)!

Now, please don't think I'm being cruel, 'cuz that is not what I'm trying to do at all.  But, beating your head up against a wall all the time is NOT my idea of a good time!  After a while you begin to feel that your previous experience doesn't mean a thing and if you continue, you will only get your feelings hurt over and over (something I really don't need at this point in my life).  

So, the decision to let him have his "space" was what I decided was the best thing for both of us.  I will say though that watching someone NOT do anything about their recovery is harder to do than being right there in the thick of things.  I am always there for moral and physical support and he knows this.  I have been the one who made the calls (I watched his seizure up close and personal when he hit the concrete floor causing this last brain injury which has completely turned his life around), talked with the doctors, went with him to get results and even given my own opinion as far as the "drugs" are concerned (they want to put him on anti anxiety meds, and he doesn't want that, and I feel that there are different therapies that would help first), so I AM very close and caring in this matter.  This is my HUSBAND, so there is no doubt that I will be there to help, no matter what....I just can't twist his arm to make him try different things, even though I know they will help him.

Oh, his problem?  He LOOKS just FINE!  Hmmmm, does this one ring a bell?  YEP!  Loud and Clear!

One of the best things that has happened to him was that he got a diagnosis of "closed head injury" within a few months of his accident (funny what having a grand mal seizure will do for a diagnosis).  I fought for over 4 years to get mine, and actually see the paperwork that said, "Traumatic Brain Injury," so I'm well aware of what a difference this has made for him. 

I don't however feel that he's actually aware of how big this difference will make in his recovery.  I'm hoping that with time he will begin to see that he'll go no where unless he WORKS at his recovery.  I just hope he doesn't fall so far down that he won't be able to get back up.

If you're reading this right now and find yourself falling into this situation too, then I hope it wakes you up before you fall too far!

Yes, I'm well aware that there are basically two types of personalities, but I am also aware that without the right kind of therapy, a BI'er just "hovers" in their own injuries and their mental stability begins to fail.

Personally, I saw that beginning to happen in my own recovery and fought tooth and nail to stop it (without drugs I might add), but because I didn't actually have my "diagnosis" then, it was harder for me to get their "attention," although the first neuro psyche test I took was given by an "ex" Brain Injury council member! 

Hmmmm, makes you think, 'eh?!  Nah, it just makes me MAD looking back at it.  Welcome to the "political" part of having a BI.  If you're on a Workmen's Compensation case, this may very well happen to you too.

I still feel even over 9 years later, that one of the best therapies you can get for yourself is the "Speech/Language" therapy usually given at many local colleges in your area.  Since at the time I had very little money, this cost me roughly $7 a month (once a week classes), so the cost for this therapy is NOT expensive if you're on a limited budget.

Call your local college and ask them about this type of therapy and if you can fill out the paperwork (ask them to help you if you need it) to give this therapy a try. I did NOT have to have a doctors referral by the way, and as far as I know, that's still how things are.

So, here I am, not only a brain injury "Survivor," but also a "caregiver." Funny, most of my life I've been a caregiver in a way....always taking in "waifs" my girlfriend says, and oh, how true!  I'm the "Mother Hen" and take everyone under my wing to help them.  

Unfortunately at this time in my life (I'm now 50), and with more than one brain injury under my belt, I just don't have the energy or the ability to remain doing it.

What do I do now?  I haven't the foggiest idea, but what I do know is I will NOT give up, either on myself or my husband.  I may have to re "think" things a bit more and figure out some other ways to work around the problems, but I will NEVER give up!

I have found myself failing health wise lately, but at least I'm beginning to figure out "why" things aren't quite right.  I find that my energy reserves (yes, I'm laughing), are worse than before, but they haven't been good since my BI, but now that I'm taking care of someone else too (or at least trying to), any possible excess is hovering far below any human capability to function in a normal way.  But, I'm NOT a quitter, so I will continue to struggle through the hardships and try to find better ways to build my energy and make life easier on myself too.

Only TIME will tell.....the saga continues........

~ barbara jean ~

December 2007