June 23, 2002

As I sit here thinking back on what's happened in my life since I was tapped ever so "lightly" on that morning of December 24, 1997 (yes, I'm grinning), I think of how my life has changed so drastically.

I've had to totally restructure my life as I knew it, and believe me, doing something like that is harder on a person than you think!

I've had to learn how to spell all over again, and finding out that I'm dyslexic, and ADD/ADHD from this injury doesn't help.  I've had to learn how to walk and bend and move and turn without falling on my face, or running into something (and I still don't bend over unless there is something to hang onto)!  

I've had to learn how to live with daily headaches, some of which will take you for a loop in that "pain factory" so badly that you wonder if it isn't your "head" on that assembly line.  

I've had to deal with doctors, lawyers (or shall I say some that just "think" they are such), and politics that are outdated out warranteed, and outnumbered with the idiotic "games" that they feel they must play to get by and get on with the next customer.

I've lost a long time relationship, friends, job/career, life style, priviledges, and self esteem, just to name a few.  I've become more "stern" in my thinking, more "angry" with people who are ignorant, and more "hard hearted" at the "BS" that's out there in the world.  Now, for some of you, this is not bad considering what my mind and body went through.  But, have you even begun to think of the LIFE LONG situations that this injury has put me into?  Hmmmm!  Now that's another thing to worry about, huh?

I am not working as a truck driver anymore, although I've tried a few things to add some income to my daily life on this earth.  I am currently maintaining 12 web sites, I have a small "flea market booth" here in town where I buy and sell things that someone can use on a daily basis.  I also have a small "Air Purification" business selling units for trucks and homes, and I do Web Pages too.  (if these things would bring in some "money" it would be great)!  But mostly, I just get on with "LIFE"!

I'm still fighting for my disability because of the political "BS", that is taking some time, although the "STATE" says I'm disabled by their standards, the "FEDS" say they're not sure yet, although I've got 2 doctors that have stated I'm "unemployable" (in a regular job) as a full or part time thing because of the deficits I have.  Now understand this please, although I may "look'' fine, or "act" fine (most of the time), I can not maintain the kind of job I had before as I never know from day to day if I'll be able to "understand" simple commands, or be able to "DO" them every day that I'm at work.

Remember this thing called "OVERLOAD"?  Well, it's like the computer that you're on right now.  If the "power" is somehow turned "off" or there is a "surge", the computer begins to mess up.  We all know how drastic that can be on your computer.  Think of how that is on your brain?  AH, YES!  Well, you've just described the working parts of my brain since BI! (she says with a slight grin on her face)  WHAT A LIFE!

There is NEVER a dull moment because you never know (most of the time) just how you will react to outside "Stimulus."  And although you can stay home for days to try and "store up" this energy, you can use it in a matter of hours just by going to the store to pick up groceries, or go do some errands.  OOPS!  There's another 4 or 5 days at home to recoup your losses!  HMMMMM!  And they call this a LIFE?  Ok, so now I'm being sarcastic.  But REALLY?  Would YOU want to live like this?  (ok, I won't answer that one either)!  

People are so quick to judge (including myself I have to add) but life doesn't wait around for you, you still have to get UP and get ON with it, no matter what your mind and body are saying on the inside.  Now THIS my friends is the hard part.  What's that Garfield saying?  The MIND is willing, but the FLESH is weak!  hehe!  Ok, so I've twisted things one more time, but it sure seems to fit the situation better that way!

If I really wanted to sit and list all the problems I still suffer from since my BI, it would take up it's own web page, and I just don't feel like getting that depressed, so I'll just say this:

DON'T GIVE UP!  Life is short, and there really IS life after BI!  It may not seem as good to you or your mate, or your friends, but it is a LIFE none the less.  How you decide to DEAL with that life is your choice.  Make it a GOOD ONE!  

You'll have hard times to go through, and you'll think so many times that you just can't go on!  Well, you CAN go on, and you MUST if you want to LIVE!  Take advantage of that second chance that you were given, because if you were meant to die, you would have done so.  Remember? You're a SURVIVOR!  Quit being a VICTIM!

Ok, so LIVE!  But do it with DIGNITY, and CLASS!  Do it with GUSTO!  And DON'T GIVE UP!  You don't know WHO or HOW or WHY you have survived, but somewhere in your lifetime, you will find a REASON for all of this. You will come across a person or persons that will NEED that extra BOOST you have, or the information that you've learned in your search, that will help them live a more fulfilled life too!

These are the things that make SURVIVORSHIP worth it!  Your knowledge is worth more than you'll ever know.  So, PASS IT ON!  Don't be SHY!  Life is too short to be shy!  So BLAST it from the rafters if need be.  It may seem like there aren't any who want to listen, but somewhere in the distance, there will be one who listens, and one who passes this information on.  That makes your quest for fulfillment worth the risks, worth the pain, and worth the effort.

As for me?  Well, I'm fixing to buy a house and MOVE IN!  I'm planning on trying to further my education (at a home based level) in web design.  I'd like to have my own company that I can earn a good living at.  I also want to have a craft shop where I can work at pottery and other crafts that I enjoy.  Hopefully to sell those crafts for a profit.

I'm still fighting with the political end of the BS for my disability, but that will all come out in the "wash," I just have to be patient.  (Oh, such harsh words this early in the day)!  hehe!  I'm still going to therapy, and I'm still hoping and PLANNING on getting better!  At least PHYSICALLY anyway!  

I've come a long way since that morning on December 24, 1997, and I've got a long way to go, but I have new friends and information that I didn't have those years ago, and I can ARM myself with that information to help me through the struggles that I'll have left.

~ barbara jean ~

 April 2003