June 8, 2004
You've got a brain injury? Just WHAT is a brain injury and why does it totally turn things up-side-down in a persons life? That is such a huge question to answer, that I'm not sure you could sit that long in your chair to read it!
Since I began the reconstruction of my life during the past 6 years, 5 months and 15 days, things have begun to look different. I have gained much insight to the problems in my life since this injury, and I have come to KNOW myself and TRUST myself even more so.
I have always had a pretty good insight to others, situations, my own gut and many other things. For a while I thought I had actually lost those abilities, but looking back now, I was just unsure of what I was feeling. Had I really FELT something, or was I just THINKING I was feeling something? I found myself questioning my own thoughts and feelings and wondering if they were truly things I had done or said, or had I just THOUGHT I had done them?
I still to this day don't feel that I've ever been through the "denial" stage that is talked about so often after a BI. I keep telling people I didn't have "time" to doubt anything. I already KNEW that something was wrong! What I spent more time on was convincing others that there was a problem and they needed to DO something about it! That's lost energy that no BI'er should have to lose! It wasn't until many years later that I actually had a doctor tell me that he thought I never went through denial either. WHEW! I knew I hadn't, and it felt good to know once again that a doctor agreed!
These questions and many more would go through my mind during my early healing/recovery, and many more still come up each day. What I've learned from this experience is I still CAN get through each day. It may not be as easy as I did "pre" BI, but I can function.
The ability to recover is limited by the injury of course, but I still think that the individual person makes the final decision, and recovery is only aided by that individual. If I chose to sit back and let others tell me what they thought was wrong with me rather than doing my own research after I've gotten their report, I'm not sure where I'd be now, but I'm convinced I wouldn't have come as far as I have.
So many doctors are quick to prescribe meds (the work comp doc wanted me to take Zanax 3 times a day and go back truckin'), and so many patients are so stressed out that they LET THEM! Now that isn't in my idea of recovery, and I want to be the one who knows if I'm getting better or not. How can I know if I'm still recovering if I'm doped up on meds? There is no way you can tell that. I also believe that meds only "mask" the problems, and make us either physically or mentally dependent on them. It makes sense to me, why doesn't it make sense to others too?
This is where that personality trait comes in handy. I'm not the "passive" type personality, so I wouldn't stand for that without at least trying things without drugs. I finally found a doctor during my 4th year that told me there was nothing that he could give me that wouldn't "disorient" me or make me "function" less. Excuse me, but isn't that what most BI'ers complain about anyway? So why on earth would I take meds that would make me function LESS? Oh, how redundant! Or as they might say here in Missorui..."re-done-dit!" (ooh, I'm sure I'll hear about that one)!
Having a brain injury has got to be the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life. More so than seeing death. Death would have stopped the insanity right away, but I would have never gone through the experience and been able to help others through it all, including myself!
I still haven't figured out WHY this happened to me, except that there was an IDIOT behind the wheel of the other truck. I've found that my experiences are a "learning" one, and the things I have learned and passed on to others IS making a difference!
That is what I can look back on and be proud of! Knowing that I have been able to help others who have come after me that are frustrated, stressed, unknowing and needing someone to lean on, to vent with, to ask questions of. These things although taxing at times because of my own overload and exhaustion, make all the hard work, all the researching, and all the crying worth more than I could ever explain.
Brain injury isn't an easy task, in fact, it's hard as hell, but there are things that you as a brain injured person can do if you really stop and "think" about it. You may not have the money or funds to do a lot, but you can spread the word. You can talk about it. You can be PROUD and GLAD that you survived!
I am a SURVIVOR! I managed by the Grace of God to survive something that the average human body shouldn't have lived through. This tells me that God isn't "done with me yet!" There is something He still wants me to accomplish in this life, and I'm hoping that it's too spread the word among a few other things.
To be able to talk to those who don't know what questions to ask. To let them vent and send them information that they can look at for themselves. To give them a "thumbs up" on how they're trying to pull their lives back together again. It feels good to be able to help guide someone, at least in the right direction.
I have been truly blessed! I still have high functioning skills even though the test results show severe brain damage. Even though my "body" has gone through many changes, mentally and physically. Even though I've had to do most of my own research and pass that on to doctors and attorneys. Even though I still struggle from day to day to stay "sane," and keep my head up! I still stand on the ground that "knowledge" is the best medicine and therapy you can do for yourself and your family. Don't let what a doctor tells you be the only thing you will or can do in your recovery. Do your own research and don't give up!
I have finally been approved for my disability (almost 6 years to the day after my injury) and even though it's about as much as one weeks paycheck when I was working, it's something. Not much of course, but enough to say that I at least have an income! I am still waiting for my back pay, which by the way isn't something that the government gets in a hurry to give you, although they've been using it for years, it's at least on the way......hopefully SOON!
I have my own business building web pages, my flea market is going fair, and I've become really involved in the local truck club here in town (Editor/Public Relations Manager) that keeps me so busy I don't have time to worry about anything else! I've learned that I can still "think!" I can still put my thoughts to paper or pen, so to speak. I still have trouble finding the words that I'd like to use, and thus find myself trying to find them in a dictionary, or asking someone, and many times using a smaller word to take it's place.
I miss my MIND the most, but I have to say that the principles, morals, and standards that I had "pre" BI are still intact, and in fact, I've found that stupid things, like "The Simpson's" and "slap stick comedy" still make me angry, and make me feel that they are useless to the human race because they have no "value" to us. They don't spread morals, standards and principles. Those things which don't "help us" end up hindering us, so why subscribe to their uselessness?
Ok, do I sound like I've gotten bitter in my years since the BI? I don't mean to sound so, but I find it hard to deal with stupidity when life is just too short and we have to focus on the things around us NOW just to function! We should be using the lives we have been given a second chance at, and if that means that I have to leave stupidity at the back door, then so be it. I don't mind! I still know how to laugh and joke, just ask my friends and family. I just don't laugh at the slapstick stuff, that's all! Funny is funny, but STUPID is still STUPID!
You are here for a purpose. You may not know what it is, but don't worry about that now. Make peace with yourself and your maker FIRST. Find something in your day to day life that "means" something to you. Something that you can put an "effort" into. Something that makes you "smile." Something that takes "energy" to do, but yet something that you can draw the line with when you begin to overload.
When you begin to have a "life" after BI, you will find that many of your stresses and frustrations will be less important, and you will find that although your life has been changed, you can STILL SURVIVE! You still have a brain, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and all those things that you had before hand. Don't let anyone else take those from you. They may be the only "normal" things that you have left from your injury, and as time passes, you will find that those feelings and emotions can give you more insight to others, to yourself and to things that you need to change.
Be good to YOURSELF! You need to come FIRST with this injury! Others may not understand, but do your really think they will? Oh, they may "seem" to, but when push comes to shove.....if you LOOK ok, they will forget and figure you ARE ok at some point in your life. How do I know this? That's an easy one! I've been there more than once, believe me!
Because I am a "high functioner," even my husband forgets at times and I have to remind him. He sees the OUTSIDE and not the INSIDE, so he forgets. This is something that unless you have an actual "physical" limitation, you will run into quite often, so be prepared for it. The only way to be prepared for it is to get the '"knowledge" first!
If my web site or anything I've said has started that process for you, then I am truly happy because it was the stress and frustration that made me start a web site I had no idea of how to build! You can see where that has gone in the past 5 years and I'm glad I could be of some help!
God Bless you all! He truly has been my LIGHT in this dark closet! I'm still stuck in here and I'm not sure I will ever come completely out of it, but at least I've got a candle burning in here! I've even brought in my computer and desk so I have a place to work! And when people ask me WHY bjscloset? I just smile and tell then....."this is where they sent me after my BI....and one day.....I'm COMING OUT!
~ barbara jean ~